Mother Theresa and Dancing

“Give, but give until it hurts.” 

― Mother Theresa

They say that all is fair in love and war. As much as nations can wreak havoc during a war, someone can do so too, when she is in pursuit of love. 

I dare say no. The end must not be the only thing which is justified. The means must also be well thought of, and must be of good nature. If the 17-year old version of myself is placed in my current circumstances, I am sure that I would really destroy everything in my path just to get what I want. Ah! Immaturity is really funny only when you are already wise enough to acknowledge its existence.

I am a lot different now. I met some people whom I have truly loved. Back then, I cannot describe myself as loving, generous or kind. I only give what I want to give. I always put myself first before anyone. If I knew that I only have, or could have, little left for myself, of course, I would not give anything to you. Then, things changed.

I met a guy. He was older than me, as I preferred. He was sweet. A little too sweet, actually. He was really skinny; he barely met my height. I took my sweet time knowing him and his family. I said I loved him for a hundred times. Time passed by. It was going really great. Then one day, he told me he wanted to end it. I tried talking to him. His dad tried talking to him. No one really knew why he left me. I assumed it was for another girl-- the only reason I thought of. 

I was devastated. I didn't sleep or eat. I went to my classes as if I was a machine--staring straight at every numeral, at every symbol, without listening. My head was only full of thoughts asking myself what went wrong.  After a month of nothingness and restlessness, I said enough. He did not even greet me on my birthday, even during the holidays. He promised he would. I promised I'd wait, so I broke my promise, too. What's the point of hurting yourself while he is having the time of his life?

It takes two to tango.

What did I learn? No matter how loving you are, no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you have given, love will always be a tango. It takes two persons to make it work. Half a year after, he came dancing back to my life. But I was already dancing with a different man. 

They say that new is always better than old. I believed that. At first, it really was. He was sweet, but not too much. It was so that even after a year of being together, he still gives me the kilig. He was different than most men. As I spent my life with him, I realized all the more how different he is.

I am not saying that he is an angel, in fact, he is much meaner and harsher than most of us. He rationalizes differently, he argues with bullshit concepts and he hogs all the women around, too. He is really irritating, but the most irritating part of all is that I love him so much. I have never loved anyone this much before. Then, as if I am in an earthquake, I see everything falling apart, too. I have given so much time, I have spent too many hours and I have wasted too many tears, yet, I still remain. Right now, I keep on asking myself this question: If it hurts, what makes you give more?

Sometimes, I tell myself that one day, it's gonna be enough. Everyone tells me it's enough. In time, it will really be enough. Yet, a huge part of me hopes that before that time comes, he will come to light as he had done before. I know he can. But, will he?

If that time comes, I will make sure that we're dancing the same tune. If it doesn't, well, poor me. It's my fault I listened to Mother Theresa.