Cheers Against the Norms

For my friends who went against the norms without any fear of being judged:

Anxiety is the displeasing feeling of fear and concern.

The online medical dictionary describes this feeling as a commonplace experience for everyone. People could feel anxious before taking an exam, a job interview or a marriage proposal. Anxiety has different manifestations and intensity.


Pushing your limits even a bit more actually entails, more often than not, this sense of anxiety. Whether what you are supposed to do conforms with the norms, whether you could pull it off, whether it is worth this risk you are taking-- these are some of the thoughts that explodes all through my head when I am anxious. The more anxious I become, the more out of this world my thoughts are. I am usually the composed and the think-first type. Inasmuch as I would want to be like that for all eternity, I know that I would meet people who would destroy my composure and my logical reasoning. I had met several of them. In fact, just another one recently.



I once had a friend who told me that in any relationship, there is the 'loved' one and the 'loving' one. It is never the ideal case-- two 'loving' parties in a relationship. I argued about that. I had always been a realist, but the idealist in me comes out when it is all about happy endings.


Like most of us, I fear of not having the happy ending. I fear of being like my own mother. I fear of being all alone. Most of all, I fear of not being loved by the people I hold close.


I guess, that fear messed me up with the last time I tried to actually be in a relationship-- being too idealistic made me stupid because that was not who I am. It is painstakingly amazing that one could actually change for a person she loves. What's even harder, is when you knew that, in the long run, he was not worth it all. We must keep in mind that, in the end, what matters is what we do after each fall. Being afraid is being human. But being afraid all the time, is being a coward.


So, I decided to stop being a coward-- and it is not easy, mind you. It's like you overdosed on anxiety-inducing pills.


I actually do not like the norms. But I follow it, because I am afraid of worthless judgments. This time, I actually wanted to discuss what's inside of me. This, being a public blog, actually imposes the risk, that the person I am determined to talk about might be able to read this. I know that you are not a reader. And, I know that you already know what I am about to say. So, to hell with it.


As far as I could possibly remember, I have never ever showed him any hint of my avid interest towards him. Never. Mainly because the norms said I shouldn't. I actually type, delete, re-type, delete and type all of my text messages before sending them to him. Since I am seriously private with my emotions, I actually do not have any problems of talking to him all the time. Until wee hours. Everyday.

I don't really love him. Well, not on that level yet. I have tried my best to keep my hold of my emotions. Sometimes, I slip. Truth be told, kinikilig ako noong una about all the little things he does for me. Who wouldn't? Those were the things that actually make me want to go the extra mile-- to hope that he would actually like me romantically in the long run. I admit to have done that. But, not anymore. I value our friendship more than any possibility of being together as a couple. Though at times, it pains me a little to hear him talk of this hot girl, or that hot girl, or to be informed, like in your Facebook news feed, of all those girls after him. It all comes to but one conclusion: stop being silly. All the answers to my questions have been given even before I ask. I am not stupid, so I should stop trying to believe that maybe, I misunderstood the rejection.



Nevertheless, you will always be the 'norm' that I would have to fulfil each and every time. Or maybe, one day, you would stop being my norm.



To that one who would over-qualify Bad Boy JAQ -- I know that you are worth the wait. In all but God's time. We may become anxious under several circumstances, but as what we all know, it will pass. and It will.




So, see you.