Courtesy, noun

the showing of politeness in one's attitude and behavior toward others

******

As people living in a society defined by norms and ideologies, we go about our lives unconsciously abiding by the rules that tell us what to do and what not to do; what to say and what to keep to ourselves. Most of us are people who keep our cool as long as we can. For how long, I have kept my cool but the sun's shining too bright and the Devil has poked the bear. I have  been hoping and praying that courtesy begets courtesy. Today, I have proven that the Devil knows no courtesy. 

*****

The Devil Who Wears Prado

This Devil has been here longer than I have been. She has extended her suffocating and taunting grip long enough by spewing out another Devil-Wannabe and by letting her collect another subordinate--Shamcey. Yes, a subordinate. These Devils are insanely addicted to hierarchy and control. They think that the evil they are capable of doing is the same for everybody else. They spread tasteless rumors that are too real in their tiny brains. They blame others for their actions and the most disgusting thing is that they assault the Weak. They lock down the Weak like a lost dog that must not be let out. They are their own Gods but they pretend to worship another every single Sunday at 6PM. What they think is the truth, what they say is the law and how they judge is right. 

These Devils are fucking narcissists. 

*****

This is an open letter to the Devil Who Wears Prado:

I am not a fan of expensive things which I cannot afford to buy. I grew up in a poor family and being poor taught me honesty, humility, courtesy, respect, dedication and much more. I told your Wannabe just that when we first met. I used to envy my classmates for having new bags in June while I use a hand-sewn Corduroy bag made from salvaged pants. How naive of me! In your eyes, I have nothing to be proud of. I have no luxury bags, I have no car, I haven't been out of the country and I have no money to spend for vanity soaps and classy dresses. I may not have those, but I have a loving and supporting mother who supported me from birth until now-- someone who never told me that I cannot do something because it is out of my depth. What did you tell your son when he was about to go to college? 

My mother never told me that when I wanted to study engineering in UP and I respect her for that. And to clarify, since the previous statement might have crushed you well-fed ego, I did not say that to point out that I am smart. I don't even think I am, but I know you do. So, thank you for that.

Also, how can you not have the money to buy a 300-peso phone if you can buy your Devil-Wannabe a Note 3 or an Iphone 5? I guess Devils value 'loyalty'. Mas sipsip ka, mas paborito ka. If only you know what your Wannabe and subordinate say behind your back, you might ostracize them again. What has the Weak done to you besides to obey you? What has your Wannabe done to you, then and now? You are getting older, but definitely not wiser. 

You are so rich that you have been blinded to use material things to measure a person's worth. I wonder why my really rich friends do not do that. Money is not the measure of a person. If you firmly believe that it is, then, up until where do you measure? To help you measure objectively, please click this. 

I gave you my respect and courtesy despite you slandering me towards your relatives. I still showed you courtesy despite you showing me your lack of it. I fucking defended you when the Weak loathed you due to your oppression. What do I get? Your false accusations.

So today, I will pray for your soul.

*****

In order to commemorate the end of my martyrdom, I give you this.

(Disclaimer: I do not own the original image found here. I have no intentions of claiming the original as my work, I just really want to do this for the Devil out of the courtesy that's left for her in me.)

“Give, but give until it hurts.” 

― Mother Theresa

They say that all is fair in love and war. As much as nations can wreak havoc during a war, someone can do so too, when she is in pursuit of love. 

I dare say no. The end must not be the only thing which is justified. The means must also be well thought of, and must be of good nature. If the 17-year old version of myself is placed in my current circumstances, I am sure that I would really destroy everything in my path just to get what I want. Ah! Immaturity is really funny only when you are already wise enough to acknowledge its existence.

I am a lot different now. I met some people whom I have truly loved. Back then, I cannot describe myself as loving, generous or kind. I only give what I want to give. I always put myself first before anyone. If I knew that I only have, or could have, little left for myself, of course, I would not give anything to you. Then, things changed.

I met a guy. He was older than me, as I preferred. He was sweet. A little too sweet, actually. He was really skinny; he barely met my height. I took my sweet time knowing him and his family. I said I loved him for a hundred times. Time passed by. It was going really great. Then one day, he told me he wanted to end it. I tried talking to him. His dad tried talking to him. No one really knew why he left me. I assumed it was for another girl-- the only reason I thought of. 

I was devastated. I didn't sleep or eat. I went to my classes as if I was a machine--staring straight at every numeral, at every symbol, without listening. My head was only full of thoughts asking myself what went wrong.  After a month of nothingness and restlessness, I said enough. He did not even greet me on my birthday, even during the holidays. He promised he would. I promised I'd wait, so I broke my promise, too. What's the point of hurting yourself while he is having the time of his life?

It takes two to tango.

What did I learn? No matter how loving you are, no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you have given, love will always be a tango. It takes two persons to make it work. Half a year after, he came dancing back to my life. But I was already dancing with a different man. 

They say that new is always better than old. I believed that. At first, it really was. He was sweet, but not too much. It was so that even after a year of being together, he still gives me the kilig. He was different than most men. As I spent my life with him, I realized all the more how different he is.

I am not saying that he is an angel, in fact, he is much meaner and harsher than most of us. He rationalizes differently, he argues with bullshit concepts and he hogs all the women around, too. He is really irritating, but the most irritating part of all is that I love him so much. I have never loved anyone this much before. Then, as if I am in an earthquake, I see everything falling apart, too. I have given so much time, I have spent too many hours and I have wasted too many tears, yet, I still remain. Right now, I keep on asking myself this question: If it hurts, what makes you give more?

Sometimes, I tell myself that one day, it's gonna be enough. Everyone tells me it's enough. In time, it will really be enough. Yet, a huge part of me hopes that before that time comes, he will come to light as he had done before. I know he can. But, will he?

If that time comes, I will make sure that we're dancing the same tune. If it doesn't, well, poor me. It's my fault I listened to Mother Theresa. 

Love is not an emotion. It is an act. It's giving.

Last night, at dinner: "What is Unconditional Love?"


When I was younger, I never really gave this a thought. It was as if being in a relationship meant being unconditionally loved. Of course, it wasn't. You see, being in a relationship involves a lot of patience, giving, sacrifice and understanding. But still, I was missing a crucial point.


It is easy to love someone during the good times. It is easy to smile when you are happy. Sadly, these things do not define how well a relationship goes.


A dear friend told me that in order to truly love someone unconditionally, one must remove herself from the equation. One must give without expecting anything in return. One must forgive without thinking that the other person owes her big time. One must trust despite being fooled a thousand times over. One must remain strong even after tons of emotional blows. I never really learned all of this until I was in so much pain.


After all I have been through, I realized that I, too, have not been capable of unconditional love.